To be written in a quasi chick lit (in my case chook lit is probably more appropriate) style genre, with tongue ever so slightly in cheek.
This is an entirely foreign adventure for me, one that I feel the need to share.
Have I been looking in all the wrong places – I’ll soon find out?
After years of deliberation and extensive soul searching the decision has been made.
I’ll do it, cast myself into the murky waters of internet dating.
Which site do I choose, to pay or not to pay, how much of me do I need to verbally expose? What do I want, what am I looking for, am I desperate and dateless, or is it merely companionship with no strings attached that I'm after?
This is not about finding a male and making a spontaneous date, but rather a process to be set in motion with a planned long and discerning lead in time, and a short, combustible cut off time, if necessary.
Am I looking for a speed date, a hot date, a social outing with a potential date,or just a companionable date? The vibe that I’ve picked up on the street leans towards a site that has been shown to have scored a large number of successful ‘hits’ and ‘hitches’.
Rules of engagement
Don’t tell your friends that you’re doing it until you’ve done it, and you can produce positive results. Friends become ‘instant’ arm chair experts on the art of web site seduction.
Getting started
Making the decision to take the plunge has been difficult for me, but now it’s made, I’m firing on all cylinders. Now for the on-line profile
First check out what information is required for your profile and write and re-write it before you commit it to cyber space. Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to avoid coming unstuck/exposed,somewhere down the dating track.
It’s a happening thing – stay tuned
What next?
Choose a casual associate (not a friend) to vet your photo. I have decided to run with my profile and Australian wide coverage for the first three days. The power of the pen in my case, isn’t as compelling as I had imaged. It’s becoming obvious that the picture is pivotal to the will I or won’t I make an approach process. It’s been 48hours since I let myself loose on the world and so far hit number one is the one and only. A brave guy, seven years my junior, but unfortunately not my perfect match, has taken up the 'sight unseen' challenge. I’ve got the unfair advantage of having access to his photo. So…self question, was it his photo that made the ‘no thanks’ decision for me? No - our interests in the world of art, music and literature were incompatible.
Day 2
Still no photo on my profile page, but I’m working on it.
Nothing with me looking too gung ho and at the ready. I could always put a 'cute' one on for starters. Hopefully my profile says enough to negate the Bimbo, lacking substance, image a ‘cute’ photo suggests.
I’ve decided to wait one more day to see if there’s a man out there who can read between the lines and isn’t influenced by looks, or the lack of.
Now that I’m officially part of the process I can log into a slide show of desirables that presumably fit within my not too demanding, wish list.
Currently I've chosen the whole of Australia as my territory. In a couple of days. I'll focus on Victoria, and then start working through the Sydney postcodes. I’ve told myself that there are no ‘available’ (plenty of unavailable that would like to make themselves available) men in my age group out there. Wrong – I’m blown away with the images scrolling across my screen. Heaps of guys flashing before me that don’t come within a bull’s roar of meeting my desirables list. I shy away from those looking for - a lady, I’m a woman.
My perfect matches, as picked for me, don’t fall too far short of my expectations. But… there’s always something in their profile that makes me hesitate eg. hours on the golf course, sailing the ocean waves, heavy metal music, watching the Simpsons.
Having checked out the Australia wide prospects it’s great to have the option to test the market in other countries. I’m about to zoom in on France where I’ll be next month.
Wait a minute…still in Australia, there are a couple of hopefuls. So why haven’t they contacted me? It’s obvious; I must get my photo ‘out there’
before this turns into the diary of a thwarted internet dater.
Day 3
Still no photo and still only one possible suitor. My strike rate is abysmal - enough to give a girl a huge inferiority complex. A happy snap appears to be the missing ingredient. It’s time - the brains approach didn’t work so I’ll try the eye appeal. If that doesn’t work I’m really doomed to a life of splendid isolation. Then of course I could swallow my pride and make the first approach.
Day 4
This exercise in self promotion is proving to a big time gobbler and it’s stretching my $29.95 monthly internet plan to the max. Where am I going wrong? I’m reading stories of other web-struck females meeting Mr Right within the first four days….help, that’s today for me. I make a note to myself – this could be life changing stuff, don’t panic, step back from it and take time over the selection process.
Things are hotting up. There’s been a second hit on my profile. Can’t tell who though unless I ‘pay to peep’. Not a considered option at this stage. I’m going to go with my gut feeling that a photo WILL produce results. Mr WA looks OK and I wouldn’t say no to Mr Geelong, but they both suffer the same click of the mouse fate. Why? on my dating radar they are classified as GI guys (geographically impossible); unless I’m prepared to up sticks and move interstate.
I’ve finally done it, I’ve downloaded a photo. What happens if it doesn’t produce results? Guess I need to adopt the wait and see approach.
Day 5
Based on other success rates I’m obviously over the hill – still only two responses. A hitch with the photo. I downloaded a reasonable looking head and shoulders shot, untouched by the wonders of photo shop, pressed the send button, and in return, a message letting me know that it would take 24 hours to approve the photo before it could appear on-line.
There’s nothing I can do now but sit it out. Will my no photo V photo theory be proven?
Meantime the men keep rolling across my screen, proving that they really are out there.
A little more tinkering with my on- line profile and I'll call it a day.
Day 6
Now that was an interesting social experiment.
It’s true; a picture really is worth a thousand words – eight viewings in 24 hours. That’s 1 every 3 hours. I’d hope for more, but as I’m not 'actively engaged' as yet I guess that’s it until I summon the courage to check out who has checked me out? Meantime I’ve been checking out my supposed ‘matches’ downloaded for me by the site administrators, plus indulging in a spot of free wheeling on the Victorian talent…..they look and read as having the lead on the Sydney men. It’s still the little things that are stopping me from making the first approach. Back to the photos – the background and the clothes tell a lot. The stance, the body language (arms folded) and the hiding behind dark glasses look are powerful indicators. I’ve opted for a head shot of me, not dissimilar to the one on this blog.
Where to next? With a considerable data base of eligible men on file I’ve decide to devote an hour tomorrow to my search for a 'long term' man.
Note to self...must conquer this procrastination, it’s based on a fear of the unknown rather than a lack of confidence. There’s an Australian man living in France -that has appeal and one in Ireland. Both at a safe distance to allow the getting to know you process to be taken slowly.
Day 7
Still no closer to making a move. The ‘viewings’ of my photos (now 2 photos) continue on the drip feed and I keep looking to see who is looking back at me....it’s an unnerving feeling. I do have a short list of could be prospects, but every time I think that they are about to tick all the boxes something lets them down eg. prepared to move to the Gold Coast for the right person; would love to travel around Australia in a Campervan. In this person’s defence I do say in my profile that I’m not looking for a five star lifestyle. What I’ll need to add is that I’m not looking to spend time sleeping under the stars. Another nearly perfect, but not quite, is a real possibility until I read the bit; “looking for a woman who knows how to be a good wife” He’s obviously had his fingers burnt in a past life.
It’s becoming obvious that education and shared interests will be the deciding factor for me.
Day 8
Sent a response back to contact number 2. He kindly offered to shout me the first coffee. Sydney to Melbourne is a long way to go for a free cup of coffee. My response though was positive enough to leave the invitation open ended.
Now I know how the ‘system’ works I’ve signed up financially ($79.95) for the right to make 12 contacts over a three month time frame. At this stage I reassure myself that I am a serious punter, not a prospective serial dater.
Having pruned my initial list right back to two possible contenders, I take the plunge and send an “are you interested in contacting me” message to them both. I’m the monogamous kind and this doesn’t sit that comfortably with me. Guess I’m hedging my bets though in a three horse race. Either one or the other will respond, neither will respond, or they’ll both respond in the affirmative. I should be so lucky – I’ll handle that conflict, if and when it arises. I've decided not to pay to see who has checked me out. My logic being, if they don’t make contact through the non disclosure third party platform that’s available to them, they can’t be that interested.
This could become addictive, and expensive, fortunately my internet plan rolls over tomorrow and I can start afresh.
Day 9
All is about to be revealed. Mr Ireland’s not interested, doesn’t think that it would work out between us, whatever ‘it’ is. Mr Melbourne has extended his offer of a coffee date to the Gold Coast; sadly still no word from Mr France. Perhaps no news is good news.
Meantime, based on past experiences I’m writing a 'personalities to steer clear of list.' Passive aggressive (strong silent type); addicted to lust and longing,over long and lasting; the put you on a pedestal and suffer in silence type; the one that wants it all, but is prepared to give very little in return; the serial womaniser from way back – get the picture?
Back to the viewing platform and round 2. To turn this exercise from written, to face to face contact I’ll try sticking closer to home. There’s currently nothing that really does it for me in NSW but here goes anyway.
There are 4 in with a very outside chance of meeting my probably set far too high, expectations. This is going to be one big compromise. I’m just not into vintage cars, malt whisky, electric guitars or joss sticks.
Day 10
Things are slowing down - no incoming emails from likely lovers and only 3 viewings of my profile in the past 24 hours From now on it’s me that will have to drive the assault. Do I want to make contact for the sake of making contact or am I better to hang in until a more compatible profile that sends out all the right vibes, flashes on my screen? I’m not afraid of rejection, but I am hesitant to offer encouragement when I’ll probably end up being the one doing the rejection. Perhaps I’m too sensitive, after all this is a mating game with, from what I can see, a few lucky strikes but not too many success stories. Yesterday, in a café I eves dropped on a sex in the city style conversation. Two, at a guess early forties women were discussing, their hits and misses on a particular dating website. They concluded that an introduction through a friend would be the better way to go, but as their friends hadn’t been forthcoming this was an alternative as they were fast running out of time and options.
Unreal … a guy, 24 years my junior has sent a ‘contact message’ of encouragement stressing - “not that you need it”. I’ve replied assuring him that I’m “working on it”. I’ve also sent off an email to a self described widower of 6 years, questioning our possible compatibility – this one could work. Not to mention the other two ‘long shot candidates that I’ve sent an “I’d like to make beautiful music with you” message to. What happens if they reply that they want to tinker with my keys? Now I’m running scarred.
Day 11
The young man came back to me last night – he’s keen to make contact as he thinks I’m very attractive and he likes my profile…..
So much for my grand assault – I now have reason to feel rejected. Three thank you, but no thank you notes in my inbox this morning. One pleading distance as the reason, the others obviously just aren’t that into what I have to offer. And here was I thinking that I’d have to fight them off and turn them down – this really puts a girl in her place. Checking out my competition I realize that I’ll have to write a more bubbly personality profile, exude a little more enthusiasm for what I can offer these men. So it’s back to the stoke and stroke the male ego approach again. Damn it, that’s not what I want. I’ll try a few more softly softly approaches then re-evaluate my plan of attack.
Day 12
Weird – I’ve been 100% honest, told it as it is, upfront with age, interests, preferences, and past relationships. Photo is good (flattering), and recording plenty of viewings, but moving to the next stage just isn’t happening.
It’s nearly two weeks since I started this search, all fired up and very results driven. My enthusiasm is diminishing with each rejection now up to four.
For years I’ve sat back and waited for someone to make the first move and now I’ve summoned the courage to make it myself…….. I’ve had nothing but rejections in response to my indications of interest.
One self described “professional” (interior architect) replied “thanks for your interest, but I’ve been inundated, so wont be following up with you”.
Half his luck. Mr (apparently) Perfect requested “no gold diggers please”. I’ve obviously got plenty of competition, and from where I sit, which isn’t at all comfortably, the men appear to hold the upper hand.
In this ongoing daily parade of eligible men there’s the usual swag of what nature has fortunately, or unfortunately, dolled out to them, and what time has sadly sullied - no hair or less hair, red faces, double chins, moustaches or other variations on a theme of facial hair, thick necks, low slung belts notched below well established portly midriffs. A surprising range of men are on the downside of 5ft 9in and there’s a proliferation of men aged between 50 to 60 with dependent children in the 13 to 18 age bracket.
Day 13
Unlucky 13 – no responses. I tell myself that it’s because it’s a long weekend and they’re all out on dates.
Day 14
Score: 1 in 1 out. A brave young lad sends a ‘testing the water’ message.
Would I be interested in a little bit of slap and tickle, nothing serious, long lasting or of a permanent nature? – dream on. I’ve braved the possibility of yet another rejection by sending a self serving message to a divorced father of four children aged between 21 and 30. I must be mad or desperate because this is so not where I want to go. No panic though as I’m sure he to will reject me.
Day 15
I responded in the negative to the slap and tickle guy, but he wasn’t put off. In reply he spelt out what he’s really looking for – to come to my house on a regular basis for ‘pleasuring’. Can’t knock his honesty.
I’ve decided to call it a day………………………before I head down the slippery path to self destruction.
Conclusion
An interesting social exercise, but for me a waste of creativity, time and money. What I’m looking for can’t be found on a wing and a prayer. Obviously this is not a website for the independent, sophisticated and intelligent woman, but rather one where she is perceived to be well past her chronological prime, and therefore past her use by date.
To prove my point I’m tempted to re-join in a different guise. I’ll describe myself as an attractive and wealthy older woman looking to keep a man in the style to which he hasn't ever been subjected to but would like to become accustomed to. A woman who is willing to accommodate at least 2 ex wives and a herd of other people’s children – unflinchingly. Love doesn’t need to be considered part of the deal, but sex on tap would be much appreciated. That should do it.
Oh well – this experience has been yet another splash of paint on my life’s glorious technicolour canvas.Time to move on.
